High Fives – The key building block of Boyhood Identity?

“Way to go! I’m so proud of you!”

“Awesome job!”

“You’re so talented!”

One of the most critical, yet underrated characteristics of healthy human growth is self-confidence. Being able to face the challenges of life with a sense of confidence in yourself and your abilities is the base determiner of how you will handle the tough moments. When things get really hard will you fall down and give up because you feel like everything is against you? Will you become paralyzed with fear and self-doubt because you think you’re not good enough? Will you feel like the challenge is too big so you won’t even attempt it? For most, self-confidence is really important to our daily and longterm development, even as adults. But for pre-pubescent and teenage boys trying ti find their way into manhood, its heavily magnified.
Young boys start getting bombarded with expectations about who they should be from the minute they’re old enough to talk. They’re given a laundry list of attributes that they *should have* as they grow up. The world tells them they need to be strong, they need to protect women, they need to have money, they need to be a spiritual leader for their family, and they need to have a “successful” career. Trying to navigate all of these expectations in general can easily feel like carrying a mountain on your back. For young men it can seem downright impossible.
The end-goal expectations are set by the world, but there’s no guardrail on the journey. There are literally millions of different paths that a young man can take to get him to any one of those individual destinations. If he wants to be a spiritual leader for his family is it better to go to bible college and get a degree in theology, or go to the mission field and get first hand experience serving the nations? In his pursuit of financial abundance should he try to climb the ladder at the local fast food joint and pinch every penny, or should he start his own business busting his knuckles on a monkey wrench? If he wants to protect women, should he pump iron until his biceps match his thighs, or become a blackbelt in karate?
The sheer amount of possibilities is enough to be paralyzing. Often times young men will become so overwhelmed by the choices, or feel so far removed from the end goal, that they will throw in the towel before even really trying. In most cases, its not from a lack of desire or motivation, or even from the prospect of hard work, but its a lack of confidence that causes the problem; confidence in his skills and abilities, confidence in the choices he makes, or confidence that he’s even good enough to pursue an attribute like that. In the end, a lack of confidence ultimately ends up being a non-starter that stops a young man from putting down a foundational cornerstone. Then someday, when he’s older and long past the point where he should have certain underlying things in place, his unsteady base makes his whole life plan, dream, or hope crumble and fall apart.
This seems like a really silly concept. Self-confidence can’t really be that big of a deal can it? To a boy/young man who lacks confidence, there’s always an uncertainty, a questioning about if he made the right choices, a shakiness that gnaws at him. Often this causes decision paralysis, where he’s unable to choose his next step so he just sits in place not making any progress. Or it can produce a sense of “buyer’s remorse”, where he makes a choice then later regrets it, always wondering if the grass would have been greener on the other side. Without a sense of self-confidence, he can’t fully commit to his choices, and ends up only dipping a toe before doubling back to his previous positions, undoing his progress.

A lack of self confidence creates a vaccum that ends up being filled by fear, incompetence, or a belief of disqualification. If left unchecked, these issues can eventually result in decision paralysis, lifelong regret, or shattered hopes or life dreams. Fixing them often takes years of retraining one’s mind along with the pain of undoing the physical effects of poor past choices.

Luckily instilling self-confidence in our boys can be as easy as giving a high five. There are many different ways to go about it, but it is worth noting that some ways are much more effective than others. Here are some important pointers that I’ve discovered over the years.

High Fives Make Good Cinder Blocks

It may seem small and insignificant, but continual praise in small ways can instill a baseline of positive self-image for boys/young men. While they may not remember every “great job”, “way to go”, or high five that you give them, if their life is overall filled with small praises and support, eventually they will grow accustomed to a positive reinforcing atmosphere. They’ll be brave to try new things and won’t get too discouraged whenever they fail. They won’t wallow in their defeats, but will instead do a better job of taking failures in stride. Eventually, this foundational self-image will set the stage for the bigger decision making down the road.

Words Matter

Choosing the correct words when praising your boy can define whether it becomes a pleasant experience that is quickly overlooked or a core foundational memory. There’s a world of difference between “Hey good job getting an A+ on your math test buddy” and “Wow, great job! You’ve grown into such a smart person and I am really proud that you’re my boy!”.

1. The first statement subconsciously lends itself as a basic exchange of goods:
You work hard at school — You get basic recognition
2. The second statement speaks volumes more about the way you view him and his character:
I’m very impressed by how hard you worked and the progress you made. But even beyond that, I’m glad that you’re my son.

As he gets older, the word choice matters a lot more. Obviously every single positive response can’t be as intentional. But more often than not praises like number 2 are used sparingly. Sometimes only ever once or twice in a young man’s life. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH!
Hollywood likes to pretend that finally hearing those special words “I’m proud of you” before an estranged parent dies undoes the lifetime of emptiness that someone has dealt with. But this just isn’t the case. We as people need ongoing reminders that we are loved and valued. Consistent intentional statements that communicate value and pride to a boy heavily impact his viewpoint toward himself, and give him stability as he develops and discovers his identity.
There is no magic number of how many times you should tell your boy something like this. But I think a good rule of thumb is that if you feel like you’re doing it enough, you’re probably not and you need to do it more. And if you feel like you’re not doing it enough, then you’re definitely not and you need to do it alot more!

Pointer Finger to the Sky

As much as a guy loves hearing that his mom is proud of him, eventually he needs to hear it from somewhere else. In most cases this is his dad. Now I’m sure you wouldn’t be reading this blog if your boy’s dad was still in the picture, so I’m going to assume that you’re just not able to scratch that itch for him. Unfortunately one of the consequences of a broken home is brokenness. And there is no true substitute for a dad’s praise on this green earth. But as Christians we have a new Father who sits in heaven and loves us beyond measure. There IS incredible emotional, mental, and spiritual healing that can come from God in response to worldly fatherlessness, but that will most likely happen for your boy when he’s fully grown, not when he’s still growing. In the meantime, its extremely helpful for that seed to be planted in his head from a young age. If he grows up believing that he has a father in heaven who loves him and is enamored by him, then there’s a good chance that that healing can begin much sooner in his adult life. Because he will already have a foundational understanding of a spiritual father who can offer healing and love, he will already be lightyears ahead of where he would be otherwise.

So what is the tangible answer for the here and now? Be the mouthpiece of the Lord for your son. Don’t just communicate your own praises, but also remind him consistently that he is loved by God and God is proud of him. Make an effort to acknowledge God as a Father to your boy so that he can begin to understand the concept.

Because of the pandemic of fatherlessness in the world today, this is one of the tenants of our faith that causes the most issues for people. Many folks never really choose to explore this concept too deeply, due to past hurts or trauma, and end up missing one of the most fulfilling and amazing parts of life as a Christian. Help your son by setting the stage early and reminding him that he is loved and valued by a spiritual father who is proud of him beyond words.

Action!!

Instilling confidence isn’t just about the things that a parent says, but also the things they do. I remember going to our local high school football game a few years ago and seeing the quarterback’s dad standing in the front row of the bleachers. This dude was screaming and shouting louder than anyone there, standing up and blocking everyone’s view, leaning over the railing yelling without a care in the world. “That’s my boy! That’s my son! Yeah way to go!” Regardless of the spectacle he was putting on, one thing was absolutely certain, everyone in that crowd knew that that guy was so proud of his son.
As I looked around, I expected to see folks getting annoyed or rolling their eyes, but instead I saw his actions bringing smiles to a number of faces there. Many people were nudging the person next to them to check out the display (in an endearing way) and those folks started smiling too. Pretty soon I started hearing more random shouts of praise for the quarterback issuing forth from the stands.
I don’t know what that kid was feeling about his dad acting like a nut. But I can say that supporting and encouraging your boy doesn’t always have to be through words. Sometimes acting with wild abandon to cheer him on at a sporting event communicates your pride in a more substantial way. Sometimes trusting him with a greater responsibility, such as carrying his own lunch money, or rewarding him with a privilege that he’s been working toward, can show him how much you value him. With these last two, its important to communicate that you have trust in him and that’s why you’re making the change. Often, just showing your confidence in him translates to him having more confidence in himself.

Dropping the Ball

This final way is more subtle but very effective. Sometimes when a kid acts up or makes a poor choice, it creates a prime opportunity to help him grow in self-confidence. Usually the situations creates a chance to have a conversation and nail down the moment of failure. Obviously hashing out right vs. wrong, and following through with consequences is paramount. But also identifying a clear and concise failure point can help him learn how and when to make a better choice in the future. The next time he approaches this issue, he’ll (hopefully) make a better choice, which will reinforce his confidence in himself as time goes on. Ultimately the key here rests in the way that he is disciplined or coached through his original failure.

Its extremely important that he knows why he failed, and then to pinpoint the critical moment that caused the issue. You want him to recognize that if that specific moment turned out differently, he wouldn’t be dealing with consequences.

As time goes on, understanding those situations will help him to trust himself, and to make better choices with more confidence. Eventually this will become a natural part of his experience as a person.

Final Words

At the end of the day, building self-confidence in a boy or teen is a small investment compared to the overall damage that a lack of confidence can do to a man. There are many ways to build confidence and this post only outlines a few of them. From my own experience these are the most helpful ideas that I’ve come to rely upon as a boy who grew up feeling very un-confident, and now as a man who is trying to raise 3 sons of his own. As you raise your boys, you’ll face hundreds of situations that you don’t know how to handle well. That’s okay! Just remember that at the end of the day, its most important that he understands that he is loved, valued, and cared about by both you and The Lord, as that’s the most important piece to the puzzle when aiming to Raise a David. And whenever and however you can, encourage him to be confident in himself as a person and his abilities. This will help set the stage for the rest of his life!